ordered from earliest to latest, because if there is one thing i despise it's minding other people's business and having to work for it, i got you.
first day of this project, i still have no idea what i'm doing, but it's slooooowly getting easier. i honestly have some doubts that i'm doing this blog thing correctly with the paragraph html thing, but i guess pre-set blog sites do exactly this and it's simply hidden from the end user. ahh.
nobody knows me, hell, nobody is gonna fucking read this thing anyways so i can be as shameless as my freaky little heart desires.
i talk to myself a lot, like, an uncomfortable amount. i guess everyone does it but we are all equally ashamed of it.
while i have loved words and music my whole life, unfortunately these disciplines have never reciprocated my feelings.
my ideas, my thoughts, they better manifest through my drawings, or my designs, or as concepts extrapolated from a rant where i get increasingly frustrated because i seem to be missing a component that adapts my mind to my mouth.
today i watched this gorgeous video about V.C. Andrews' works, i love watching people in love with their work and having fun. her passion in describing these works and words and stories really resonated with me.
passion, i guess that is what i seek. where is my passion? what do i genuinely love? art, design, coding. mind you, i personally think i suck at all three, but every second i spend doing them is worth my lifetime ten times over. they are my obsession, my heart, the flames that have been forcibly shut down for decades. i just need to find out the proper career path and avoid permanent NEETage.
i don't think i am a failure, surprisingly. i think i was misguided, and my unease is the result of years shoving my head in a hole with a hand and desperately pulling it out with the other.
i should probably add a section somewhere with my writings, they are short poems that i personally consider moreso ideas than written performance. they are so bad they'd make any writer faint, die, resurrect, kill themselves, find satan, beg for a harsher sentence, be asked why, show him my poems, and get the devil himself to commit suicide. but its my page so i do what i want i guess.
second day of this project! woke up surprisingly late (yikes) but surprisingly happy. i have been producing, making, whatever, for the past three days, and maybe this is what i want to do with my time. create.
i have to look into careers that allow me to *make*, hmm.
another issue in my life is my ugly habit of ghosting, disappearing. i was on my last straw with my med school work, so what did i do? face the consequences? no, i turned my data off for whatsapp and have had my cell running on 5G since may 19th. don't worry i have unlimited data lmao i may be a masochist but this is too far even for me. then twitter, first i ran to a smaller account, and now i made a comeback but it was too much and i ghosted everyone once more. i have to figure out why i run, i mean i know, waiting out was how we resolved anything in my family. but i fear the only way to overcome it is to grow a pair and face the music. ugh.
another issue is my weird relationship with love. i have had my fair share of flings, but my feelings eventually ran out and let me figure i had once again gotten with the same sick man in a different font and clockworkly dumped their ass. i haven't had a partner for four years, and mind you this is all me. i am not about to embark on a redpill awakening, hell no. i am WELL aware this is all me, and my avoidance, and my insatiable habit of admiring at a distance without taking any initiative or risking anyone from *gasp* even suspecting i may have caught feelings. right now the crush is, predictably, a man in his late forties. why am i like this. glad it will go away in a month at max, like it always does.
god i am so not hungry, i think i may tough it out until saturday. i love losing weight but i always feel so weird about it.
roommate-sama is cleaning, she takes 3ish hours while i do everything in a little over an hour, in our small ass three room apartment. gahhhh i need to PISS.
i can't bring myself to crochet, i think i overdid it last week lolol. i can't even find something i'd like to watch, which is depressing, but also good cos i always feel guilty about watching series without giving them my full attention. oh and this is because i have a personal mantra of never EVER watching anything twice, first time first go, it's never good the second time around.
oh and i uploaded my drawings here, wheww it's been a while because previously i airdropped stuff from the tablet to the phone, butttt since i turned the data off it's been impossible. i still have to figure out pop up captions (or how to make this site suck less but shhh). but hey, girls just wanna have fun.
not really a new day, but it's 2AM and i can't sleep. it happens when i start losing weight, so yay? ugh.
better call saul is the only tv series that has lead me to break my once-unbrekable law of "first eatch, first go", meaning i've been rewatching it. it's truly one of the best series i have ever watched, it's not perfect solely because it doesn't have enough women. at least the ones present are perfectly written. hmm i may make a better review/thinkpiece in the new things section.
i made a lovesick (lustsick?) playlist which may dox me but frankly idgaf HERE SHE ISSSS.
OH MY GOD I MANAGED TO EMBED THE PLAYLIST LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOO
passion, art, an artist, is recognized in a person who is cured by their work. an obsessed maniac with one goal in mind: to create. they have to be physically pried from their work to perform basic life-sustaining tasks. and that, is me.
idk maybe i should add a comment function but i fear 1)the bots 2)human contact, on top of the face that i am screaming into the void and nobody will ever read this. i definitely overestimated the value of highschool coding classes.
also i have to find a way to optimize the drawing page, add alt text, and add cool captions that don't break the whole damn site. *pops zyn* hell help me.
UPDATE: two minutes later, i did none of those things and instead am embarking on a journey to make a slideshow instead. why am i like this.
UPDATE's UPDATE: I DID THE SLIDESHOW THING LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
still haven't fixed the captions tho. or slept. or ate. but to be frank i really only care about the captions.
gooooood morning!
had my therapist appointment yesterday and i feel reeeally good. it genuinely solidifeid that i am moving in the right direction and that happiness is not a mirage.
i croched (crocheted?) a lotttt while bingeing stardew deep dives. life is good. oh, and i revamped my yt profile for abolutely no reason other than aesthetics, i think it's cute!
today's plans include, but are not limited to: grocery shopping cos i have literally NOTHING but a single jar of dehydrated coffee in storage, crocheting like there is no tomorrow, and maybe drawing i had this cool project in mind about recreating angel statues with slight tweaks that give them another aura (you'll see hehe). ohhhhh and i absolutely need to cook up a way to improve site navigation.
MISSED ME EH? just kidding i am talking to the literal void nobody gaf. aaaanyways i had a bit of a relapse uwu but its fine we are all fine we are so back right now!
i think i want to do a stylistic overhaul maybe with some more aqua/purple idk i just dont know how :( and either way any overhaul i wanna do has to be done by tomorrow cos im going back home to my parents womp womp
oh and my crochet absolutely slays! i did a top nd a granny square and a lamp cover and like three baskets and a crochet hook container! i love thisss and i really wanna buy more yarn but idk when ill be back or if ill find cheaper yarn back home.
i also like how my art is picking back up as well! i am not only proud of my overall sketching, color choice, and space management improving BUT i think i will start a series where i take statues and redraw them giving them a backstory and i LOVE IT.
oh and i started successoin (the tv show) and its mad good like SAUR good, though my mistake was starting it right after better call saul, which in my heart will never be topped, so it took a while for me to pick up the pace but i am soooo glad i will put it in the list of stuff that i gotta write a thinkpiece on. k bye!
OH MY GOD ITS HAPPENING ITS HAPPENING
we are grabbing life by the balls and faking my way through a graphic design carreer with zero titles or true experience, i downloaded GIMP (after hopping though damn near a billion fiery hoops to try and pirate ps but a girl has a rational fear of trojans so yea i quit after trying to install the thirs WinRAR alternative for mac using homebrew or wtv i had no idea what i was doin and almost rawdogged too close to the sun) and im gonna build some exp and hop onto the job search!
tho i have zero nada none nooo clue how to get a job but then again i should stop worrying about things people dumber than me have bodied for centuries
so i am at my parents', and it's going as well as one would expect. by that i mean it's shit.
father wendy is being the fascist cunt he always is, sparkled with some inexplicable bouts of love that make it very hard to hold him accountable. not only with the unasked for political debates, but especially now he really cannot grasp how anyone in their right mind would throw away a potential medical carreer. let alone grasping that graphic design is a valid ambition or actual job.
sigh
if he wants me to get a fucking expensive piece of paper fine, i'll pick an uber pretentious art academy and see if he likes dishing out 10k a year, his loss i guess. i have a webinair in two days, hopefully i get it.
angstiness aside, i started reading The Secret History by Donna Tartt, really enjoying it so far! i missed losing myself in stories and art, and i figure this is what really sets me apart from my analitical parents. I tried asking but it's like a missing chip from their brain, they simply cannot comprehend how one could like, invest, or produce art. double sigh.
been a bit! my bad!
okay so, academia wise, i had this webinair thing for the Graphic Design course at this dope academic institution, and i had a realization that i was once again settling for something i kinda like but don't love.
i was taking notes, you know, lectures, objectives, alumni etc. And i looked at my page, as always i had started doodling all over my notes. It's always been this way for me, when i have to listen i just start drawing. So it hit me, this is my obsession, this is what i was meant to do.
i watched a Stardew Haley analysis a month ish ago, and the part about her photography kinda flew over my head at the time. She has always loved it, and has always done it, but never gushed about it as part of her life to us (the farmer). Why? because more often than not, people who suffered the horrors of having their lives planned for them gloss over these artistic veins as just "eh something i do when i'm bored", being therefore blind to what is likely their life calling.
and i did the same thing! i have drawn and drawn characters and stories and poses from before i could even walk. It's always been my thing, my passion,
i know it may seem creepy, this vice of mine to abuse the term "obsession". But you see, years ago now i watched this tiktok of kyle prue talking about art, artists, and how your true calling is what is close to your obsession. The thing you just
so long story short i booked a live open day and will do what i can to enroll in the Illustration course, fuck graphic design man you can be happy all your life designing fonts, but it just ain't my thing.
oh and i've been MAD sick for a couple days, this is the first time i have a hair of clean-head-ed-ness. I should also do a page dedicated to my thinkpieces hmmm.